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#1 tracky2

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Posted 24 July 2016 - 06:11 PM

Hi not sure if this is gonna make any sense, just looking for a little guidance really. Things have been going pretty well recently with less bouts off anxiety. Even managed a holiday with no problems.

Since comming home though I have noticed wot I can only describe as back chat, he's 7 so it is a bit surprising.

On relooking at it though I'm not sure that it is him being cheeky his tone suggests this but actually sometimes I think it's him being literal ie when he was talking and I answered him from the kitchen he answered back with ' I'm not talking to you' when I came through and asked why he spoke to me like that he answered with 'but I wasn't speaking to you.' So me telling him it's inappropriate behaviour confuses him.

The problem being its all said in such a matter of fact way.

I don't want him getting away with cheeky behaviours but on the other hand sometimes I can't differentiate.

The other problem being it is so difficult to chastise his behaviour when he isn't doing What is asked off him Ie if I have asked him to tidy up his toys at the end off the day results in mayhem and a very frustrated mum who ends up shouting and loosing it. Which I know is not helpful, I then realise that he's had several instructions at once so therefore want do any off them. By then I've threatened to take his iPad off him, which I know won't help because he probably won't be able to link the two. So the moments gone he doesn't really ever fully tidy up and I don't consequence it.

God it's exhausting sometimes, thank god for wine lol

#2 apricot

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Posted 24 July 2016 - 09:31 PM

Do you need to structure the 'tidy up' for him?
e.g.

put the lego in the box marked lego. Well done

put the bricks in the box marked bricks. Well done

So one instruction at a time, calmly and with positive feedback when completed. 

'Tidy up' is too vague. DS would not have known where to start !

I had to provide a structure for him to follow, and eventually, after enough repetitions he could 'tidy up', but it had to be taught explicitly.



#3 tracky2

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Posted 25 July 2016 - 08:52 AM

I know your right Apricot, I knew I managed the situation badly when I reflected on it.

I know I've not fully adapted my own behaviours which I guess is what's causing some of the issues. L appears to manage well most of the time and altnough it's horrible to say sometimes I forget, then inevitably we hit a stumbling block and were both in a bit of a meltdown before we realise it.

Do you have any advise on how I can look at my own behaviour regarding meeting his needs in a more therapeutic way. I tnink it's a mind set . For me one off the struggles is he's not diagnosed yet. I'm not sure this will happen as I don't think school are going to agree even though the paediatrician is willing to look further. So frustratingly we might never take the Asd dx path.

Thanks x

#4 mad cat lady

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Posted 25 July 2016 - 08:56 AM

This mad me think of an incident at J's last placement, he was putting salt on his dinner and spilt some on the table, one of the Carers without thinking said 'you need to throw salt over your shoulder for good luck' apparantly he looked really confused,picked up the salt pot and threw it over his shoulder resulting in salt going everywhere, he was amazed when they were not pleased and said to another manner of staff 'I just did what they said', it was his total bewilderment that made them realise how easy it is forget how literal our young people are.
I would not think your son's comment was being rude,me was just stating that he was talking to you, I think the monotone they often speak in can make it difficult to know.

We try to give J one command at once but it is something that is learnt over time and tbh tidying up is something that J is not good at but we decided it was not an important problem, it was easier to get him to help tidy up rather than do it all himself and even this became a challenge as he got older.

J has never really understood consequences .Many placement's have decided they know better than us and tried this approach, always with bad results, we always tell them the stories of star charts in infant school and go all the way through the failed attempts to make him understand but nothing has ever worked,it just increases his anxiety to much.
At 7 J was easy at home but that was due to him releasing his anxiety at school, at home we were very routine which started when he was very young as we realised he needed it. My husband is very monotone so comments like your son's would have been understood as I had already lived with them for years

#5 apricot

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Posted 25 July 2016 - 10:22 AM

I've had 16 years of 'adapting my behaviour' and I still get it wrong sometimes!
My key advice would be slow down, stop and think through the situation before saying anything.

Think: What do you want to achieve and how can you set him up to succeed?

Apologise if you have said something confusing/misleading.

Build in extra time for every activity.

Plan how to handle everyday situations in advance

Avoid using DON't do 'X', as he may then do 'Y', and 'Y' could be worse than 'X'.  Tell him what he should do. And then expand to give him several 'good' choices.

 

If he hasn't got the link between actions and consequences, then punishment is worse than useless.  Teacher would punish DS for something, he didn't get the link between his action and the punishment. He just understood he felt horrible, so he'd do something nasty to make the teacher feel horrible, and that would be OK because they would both feel horrible and that was only fair. Which is logical but not the way schools work.



#6 tracky2

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Posted 25 July 2016 - 10:58 AM

That's really great advice, especially the slow down part, I think for me that's the most useful . If I take my time and think through what I want to achieve I think things will get easier for s all.

Thanks Apricot, I do apologise something I think ever child needs to hear, we all make mistakes of course his response is always ' yes but you shouldn't have said/done that - bless.

i always forget to build in extra time.

My life's really busy in general as I work full time and have another Dd who is 4, I really need to learn how to plan in advance and above all slow down.

Ls good at school which doesn't help as its a bit hear no evil see no evil from the teachers, not that I want my child to play up just want them to look at how he goes about life in a bit more detail. It cant only me be that sees his social difficulties and other things, aparently so however - grrr.

Thankfully it's the holidays - so far so good with them

#7 tracky2

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Posted 25 July 2016 - 01:52 PM

Just went for a walk round loch thought I would emcompass a treasure hunt, so dutifully printed one out from net mums.

All was going well both Dd and DS full off excitement until I took a short cut this would have been fine but there was nettles so L wouldn't pass them so we waited until he came round the other way. I praised him apologised for taking the other path then continued on our way.

Spent the rest off the walk grumbling that he wanted to go home where it was safe that he didn't like the wilderness. So we finished half way and came home. It was starting to rain anyway but this just added to his displeasure.

Oh the best laid plans of mice and men lol

#8 imperfect parent

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 06:37 AM

When I read your first post in this thread, i knew what I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words (fairly stressful here ATM).  Everything I wanted to say has now been covered by others :yahoo: , then came the treasure hunt post.  I had a similar experience with DS recently.  He is late teens and very able to express his views verbally if not stressed.  However he was staying away from home and walking with myself, his brother and a new person so he was already at quite a high stress level when we started.  Through no fault of the person who was guiding us we had to make an unplanned detour which turned out to be unnecessary.  This initially had no impact as he walked happily chatting with his brother, but once he got tired rather than the gradual shutdown I am used to seeing we had the instant stop in communication followed by a struggle to manage any more walking almost as though the sensory and social demands were sapping his energy as much as the physical effort of walking.  Once back where he was staying he recovered quickly , and walked willingly to get  a takeaway for supper without appearing any more tired than his brother or myself.  His feedback had been that he couldn't envisage how far the distance of the walk was even though the mileage was given, he didn't like the detour to the busy place and he didn't know how far it was back when his feet began to hurt.  I honestly don't think that he  was any more tired than the rest of us, he just wasn't able to cope with it with so much unknown.

 

Ok, your treasure hunt wasn't a total success, but he did well, adjusted to the short cut and communicated that he wanted to go home.  That all gives you valuable information for next time.  Be proud that you managed such a good start, and use the information for the next activity you plan.



#9 tracky2

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 09:14 AM

Your so right lol on reflection it was definitely the nettles etc that caused the anxiety he commented on the hog wart burning him. A while back there was an instance in the paper that a child had been burned by the chemical in the flowers.

I'm sorry things are so stressful for you at the moment I hope things get easier and you find away to settle it all down. Remember to look after yourself, something I'm still learning to do

#10 imperfect parent

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 05:41 PM

Hog weed is dangerous stuff; it doesn't burn on the skin until it reacts to UV light so if you do get any sap on you stay out of sun until you can wash it off.  DH made a real mess of his arms and face by strimming hog weed (despite being warned by DD and myself) and then welding which emits UV light.  It blistered and  returned each time he went out in sunlight , even the following year though it has now cleared up thank goodness.

 

Not sure when the stress will end, but I am taking time for myself most days now.  Lovely new neighbour has a spare horse! (no pun intended) so I get to ride with company.





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