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Talking Back.... Use Off Consequences Yes Or No?

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#1 tracky2


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Posted 29 July 2017 - 10:30 PM

Hi question for you all more experienced people, L now 8 I am finding more and more now is talking back, he will talk to us very indignintaly as though it's his right and it makes perfect sense to do so to him. Often arguing the point when he's pulled up for it.

It appears to me it's all linked to his inability to see his behaviour as wrong, a lack of social understanding. The lack of consequence and effect is problematic too.

Do I continue to try and correct this through consequences to alter his behaviour?, talking and reprimanding is not working. iPad removal works until the next time he says something inappropriate.

What are the best strategies anybodies found? He's pushing me and dad to shouting episodes at moment.

I'm aware he'll be pushing the boundaries naturally for his age and being out of routine during the holidays doesn't help. I don't want to be letting him away with things either. I'm just confused separating the normal with the Asd if that makes sense. He's feeling ganged up on.... yes I'm also aware they are masters off manipulation also lol.

Hope this all makes sense and that everyone is surviving the holidays as best they can.

It's awfully quiet on here these days. I'm linked up to your Facebook but find it quite explicit so don't use it for this type if thing. Much prefer coming on here and receiving great feedback from great people 😊

#2 imperfect parent

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Posted 30 July 2017 - 08:48 PM

Very quiet here, but I think a lot of people read without posting.


Arguing  a point isn't always a bad thing, but what you need to establish is the social norm, what you will tolerate and what you won't.  Some things are just non negotiable, but that has to be established in a calm moment and not in the heat of an exchange; when things are heated you can only remind them of what has been agreed, not agree new things.  ASD means that much of the social interaction must be taught rather than picked up along the way


Often I have to agree to differ with both DS s and then establish new rules when things are calmer.


We try very hard to be honest about what is said and how it is said, admitting to making mistakes.  At his age we would also remind that adults get to make the rules and that they needed to do as we said.  Sometimes if they had a valid point, and there was no reason not to make an exception we would negotiate a change whilst trying to teach them that the world isn't fair.


You have to know which boundaries can be flexible and which must hold firm, but listening to young people and making decisions with them as well as for them is really important.  Yes they can be manipulative, all children can, but with ASD the manipulation is what helps them cope.


We're in the middle of holiday chaos here too, and mine are 10 years older!

#3 Kadenza


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Posted 01 August 2017 - 10:32 PM

I think the above reply is excellent.  

It's no good pushing strategies that have stopped working - time to find new ones.  

If this need to be always right, always in control, goes beyond just talking back it might be worth you looking at the book The Explosive Child.  It outlines a way of negotiating (they call it "Plan B"), which teaches flexible thinking overtime, helping the child to learn that the world doesn't end when they don't get their own way.

#4 apricot


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Posted 02 August 2017 - 05:30 PM

Two things I did wrong were:

a) Use way too much language

B) Tell him what 'not' to do


So when "talking and reprimanding is not working". Think - what are you saying to him.

Is it short?

Is it clear?

Are you giving him a socially appropriate alternative?


e.g. telling DS not to tell his teacher to 'go to hell' resulted in him writing it to her on a note. Telling him not to write it, resulted him in spelling it in magnetic letters on the staff room fridge.  Teaching him a socially appropriate alternative - "you are not teaching me properly, I don't understand" was much better.


I would also say that teaching him to "shut up and do what adults say" is potentially dangerous if he runs into a dodgy adult. So maybe think about how to teach him to 'talk back' in a less annoying way.

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